Perfection
by Hain degistirildi
Summary: Susan is heartbroken and Edmund is there to give her a lesson on Perfection. For anyone who's never felt they were good enough or got hurt by someone they love.


**A/N So I know I haven't written anything in years but I really needed to write this. I've been going through a hard time lately and I guess going back to my childhood helped me deal with this. Sorry for any errors I didn't proof read this much. Anyways enjoy.**

While weather in Narnia was quite mild year round summer was Edmund's absolute favorite. He loved the lazy days spent swimming in the ocean with his family and the cool breeze that swept across Cair Paravel. That particular afternoon Edmund was getting caught up on Narnian history in the garden sipping at his lavender lemonade. A pleasing melody drifted around the grounds, signifying that one of his siblings was preparing for their next music lesson. Edmund released a contented sigh. He had spent a good portion of the early morning wondering around the local farmer's market with his siblings as was their Saturday morning tradition. To be honest he was perfectly exhausted. Perhaps the sun beating down on him and the rather dry reading made the urge to take a nap completely irresistible.

On his way back to his chamber Edmund located the source of music. He lingered outside the door for a moment simply taking in the enchanting melody. He was disrupted when a the wrong chord was played and in frustration the player slammed their hands down on the keys creating an intense cacophony. Edmund cringed slightly and was about to get on his way when he heard a soft sob from behind a door and Susan's usually soft voice, hoarse, shouting "Stupid, stupid why am I so stupid?!"

Edmund quickly turned on his heel and opened the door not entirely sure what he would find. The morning parlor was in shambles. Pages of sheet music were haphazardly thrown about the room some ripped, other just simply forgotten. Glass was shattered on the floor from what seemed to be old china. Susan's shoes were on opposite ends of the room. It appeared that she had used them as weapons of destruction. She didn't seem to notice he had entered the room so he approached her, careful to avoid stepping on anything sharp.

"Su? Everything okay?"

"It's all going perfectly Edmund. Sorry about the mess, I'll clean it up, I swear I just need to get this right."

"No, no uh I'm not too worried about the mess... What exactly happened here? Maybe you should take a break from the piano, that's a rather difficult piece you're playing."

"No. I can do better. I have to. I just need to keep practicing and I will get better." She proceeded to start the song over again.

"Listen to me. Susan st-, Susan!" Edmund finally grabbed her wrists and sternly but gently removed her hands from the piano.

The final note she played is still ringing throughout the room. It's melancholy and only made Susan's desperate shallow breaths more apparent. Her delicate hands curled into fists as she struggled against Edmund's firm grasp, but he refused to release her. Eventually Susan gave up and it appeared as though all signs of rebellion had fled from her body, leaving nothing but a trembling girl in its wake.

Slowly, as if she were a frightened doe, Edmund sat next to Susan on the bench and released his grip on her wrists to gently hold her hands.

"Su? Please, I need you to tell me what's wrong." Edmund barely whispered

"You wouldn't get it. Besides I'm the older sibling, I should be comforting you, not the other way around…" She turned her head away to hide her tears and Susan's dark locks slipped from behind her ear, efficiently hiding her away from Edmund's troubled gaze.

Still, he persisted, "Try me Su, I understand a lot more than you'd think."

Susan scrutinized her brother for a moment before speaking again, her brow furrowed over her vibrant, blue eyes. "I- I just, I want to be enough." She paused to gauge Edmund's reaction but his expression gave nothing away so Susan cautiously continued. "I want to be enough and I'm not. I will never be enough. I'll never be pretty enough, or smart enough or elegant enough and I can't do it anymore. And I know logically it doesn't work this way but I keep thinking maybe if I was a little bit thinner, or studied a little bit longer, maybe he wouldn't have left. Maybe I finally would've been enough."

Edmund had an inkling as to what lead to the excessive amount of piano practice, and repugnant health food but now he knew for a fact. The last suitor Susan had, a man by the name of Athalos, was the source of his sister's pain. He was an incredibly charming noble who was quite talented with a broadsword, not to mention well versed in literature and many other arts. Needless to say, he was everything Susan had ever hoped for and she had fallen for him deeply. However, Athalos wasn't quite the man he claimed to be. He was shallow and only pretended to care for the Gentle Queen in hopes of gaining the crown.

When Susan first discovered the noble's true intentions she didn't want to believe it but she also couldn't ignore the signs. His loving gaze that used to seem so warm and compassionate now appeared cold and detached. He only displayed his affections in private and all the nectarous words that spilled from his lips were utterly empty. Her love for Athalos was still deep and because of this she couldn't force herself to end the relationship. While Susan tended to follow her mind more than her heart she had never experienced feelings like this before and she desperately wanted to cling to them. This was a grave mistake.

One day, when Athalos grew tired of his sport, knowing Susan was beginning to question his loyalty he simply disappeared. He left in the dead of night without a word. It took Susan weeks to figure out exactly what transpired. The first few days of his absence she assumed he had been tied up with family matters, his home life was unstable at best so this was entirely possible. After two weeks of no communication Susan began to believe perhaps he had been attacked or captured due to his connection with the Queen. She wrote him letter after letter but none elicited a response.

It wasn't until that morning when Susan and her siblings had decided to visit the local farmer's market that she saw Athalos again. _It was as if he appeared in a vision. The world melted away around her and all Susan could focus on was his musical laugh and contagious smile. His deep auburn hair was long and unruly; his skin was tanned from many hours spent lounging in the sun. He seemed so carefree and playful. Athalos' bright blue eyes suddenly met with Susan's. She could feel her skin pale and her breath had caught in her throat. What could she have said? He was alive and well, but she was not. He cut a red apple he had been holding in his right hand with a knife. He took a bight and without a word, turned around and disappeared into the crowd. Susan broke out of her trance and glanced at her siblings. Peter was purchasing a basket of peaches as a snack while Edmund chased Lucy through the street presumably after she played some silly prank on him involving a dead fish._

 _Susan lifted her white skirts just above her ankles and briskly walked towards Peter carefully gauging her facial expression._

" _Peter, I wish to return to the Cair, I fear the heat isn't resting well with me at the moment."_

 _Peter studied her carefully for a moment, "Yes, of course, Su. You look dreadful, we'll have the physician check on you immediately."_

" _No, that won't be necessary, I just really need to lie down for a while. Now, can we please find Lucy and Edmund?"_

 _Peter paused for a moment as he tried to decide how truthful the previous statement was. He raised his hand to feel her forehead, searching for signs of a fever but she swatted it away playfully. Shaking his head Peter chuckled, he spotted Lucy and Edmund resting in the shade of a weeping willow and he left to inform them of the change in plans._

Edmund licked his lips, still completely unaware of the events that happened earlier that day. He had never seen his sister in such a state before but he knew he needed to tread carefully lest he make the situation worse.

"Su, did you finally hear back from Athalos?"

She let out a watery giggle, a giggle that expressed nothing but bitterness. "No, but I got his message. I got it loud and clear. "

"What do you mean exactly by his message?" Edmund's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"I mean, I saw him today, at the market and he saw me. He just looked at me and walked away. I've spent all this time and energy worrying about him praying he was alive only to find out I haven't even crossed his mind. He doesn't want me and never did. I meant nothing to him and Aslan I feel so _stupid_! How did I let it get this far? I saw it happening and I did nothing. I chose to ignore it because I was stupid enough to think he loved me. How could I believe that? How could anyone love _me_?"

"Oh, Su, no," Edmund brushed a tear from her pale cheek as she sobbed he understood now how the room got to it's current state. Anyone with that much pent up anger and frustration needed an outlet, "You know we love you, all of Narnia loves what does one fool's idiotic opinion mean? I swear to Aslan I'm gonna kill that sorry son of a hag. He wasn't a loss Susan, you're far better off without him and you'll always have me and Pete and Lu and especially Aslan." Susan gently rested her head on her hand with her elbow on the piano.

"You don't understand Ed, I gave him everything. He was my world, I thought I was going to marry him. I feel so violated and used and I'm not sure I'll ever be happy again. "

"Why didn't you say anything to us? We can help you Susan, I want to help."

"I was embarrassed. I'm supposed to be elegant and kind and I'm not, now I just feel like I've let everyone down."

Quietly Edmund stood up. He grabbed Susan's hand and lead her to the deep burgundy couch in the morning parlor, careful to avoid and glass. She looked small against the large sofa her white summer gown only making her look sicker.

"You haven't let us down, believe me. I honestly didn't understand how you were handling it all so well for so long. I do understand however, what you've been doing and I'm begging you to stop."

"I don't know what exactly you mean, Edmund?" It was possibly meant to sound defensive but more than anything she sounded tired and defeated.

"I mean you have to understand perfection isn't attainable. And if I'm going to be completely honest, even if you were the perfect person in absolutely everyway it wouldn't have made a difference. Maybe that's not what you want to hear but I need you to understand it. He would've left anyway because that's his nature. He's a snake and he's incapable of love. Starving yourself and working yourself to the bone isn't going to change anything. He isn't coming back but what can do is love yourself because at the end of the day that's all you really have. You are going to be happy again, it'll take a while and you won't even notice when it starts to happen. One day you'll be able to smile again and it will be absolutely real. Please just promise me you're going to treat yourself with the respect that you deserve because you are everything the people of Narnia say, gracious, kind, beautiful and smart and so many other things even if you don't see it."

Susan appeared taken aback by her little brother's words. She almost couldn't wrap her head around it all.

"Baby brother, when did you get so wise?"

"Trust me Su, I went through something similar. The first few years I spent in Narnia weren't easy and in that time I learned a lot about perfection. Peter tried as hard as he could to help me but I wouldn't listen. It wasn't until that day when I passed out in the middle of training from overexertion that I realized I couldn't physically keep going at the rate I was going. I was hurting myself more than I was improving. And as much as I want to keep telling you how beautiful and smart you are, Susan, I know you'll never get past this until you're ready. But in the mean time I'll be here, because if you cant love yourself I can love you enough for the both of us. Now, how about I make us some tea and you can plan one of those dreadful ball's your so fond of.

"Oh, Ed, how did I get so lucky to have you as my brother?" Susan sniffed but shakily got to her feet. She knew there was a long road of healing ahead and Aslan, she was terrified but she knew somehow it would work out.

 **Thanks for sitting through this, hope you liked it.**


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